I turned 20 last week so I guess the name of this blog is officially, officially outdated, along with the venue of BLOGSPOT. But in other ways, the name is more applicable than ever. I don't feel very old. I don't feel like I want to be older anyway. This blog's name was never particularly catchy, but it did sort of capture my character. Not "The Avant Garde" part-- that doesn't fit now and I'm not sure if it ever did --but the "Tweener" part. I know that a tweener is used to refer to someone between the ages of 10 and 13, and that I am no longer a tween. But Urban Dictionary defines tweener as "One who doesn't fall into any category of people," and Merriam Webster defines it as "A player who has some but not all of the necessary characteristics for each of two or more positions." I am not athletic, but both of those definitions feel applicable to me still.
My own definition of the word "Tweener" is "One who is in between." I think I'll always be in between. I started this blog because I was in between wanting to be a part of a group and wanting to be a loner. This is something I still struggle with. I wish I could get rid of the part of myself that's so protective of the things I like, the part of me that's always disappointed by people. But I haven't yet. But I used to think this struggle was really unique to me, and I realized that almost every teenager experiences something similar, I just haven't been lucky enough to grow out of it yet. Anyway, right now, I feel as though I am Peak Tweener. The most in between I will ever be. But who knows. I think we are all in between right now. These are uncertain times, and so much, is in jeopardy on both a personal and universal level.
For the past few years, I've felt so lost and distressed in regards to where my life is and isn't going. Most of the time I felt too paralyzed with anxiety and uncertainty to even do anything about it. For the past two weeks I've been in quarantine because of the COVID-19 pandemic, and being quarantined is depressingly similar to my life prior to this. And I don't mean to make a "poor me" post. I know a lot of people have it much, much worse. It's just strange to think that I basically haven't left the house much for two whole years. It's also weird to see people freaking out over having to stay home, over leading the sort of life I've been leading for years. It's made me feel like kind of a loser, and I wish people could just stay home without talking so much about it, but, of course, this is a worldwide pandemic, and people are allowed to react in whatever way they feel is right. And, obviously, my anxiety has been heightened by all this, and it's not quite the same as my quiet existence at home before.
The worst hasn't happened yet, and we're all just sitting around anticipating it. It's such strange times we live in. The fact my daily life hasn't changed much only adds to it. We're living through historic times, and literally I can't do anything except binge watch New Girl. It's like, if I was paralyzed before, I'm constrained now. This is the year I'm supposed to move out. This is the year I'm supposed to finally do something about all this unrest inside of me, and I'm not sure I can anymore. And even if everything goes back to normal by the time I'm supposed to attend school, this virus has sort of dismantled the structure of our society. My whole life I've been told that I'm "going places," but I'm not sure if I want to go places in a world like this one.
I'm sure I won't be a couch potato forever. I've been trying to stay creatively active, but it's hard to do that without feeling overwhelmed, or without feeling like you're giving into the idea that you have to be productive in times like this, which you absolutely don't have to. But when I'm quiet and contemplative I start to feel defeated. I don't really think this is the end of the world. I think this is just another example of how our society has already deteriorated. I have hope for the future, I do. I know a lot of people my age think our generation is so selfless, so innovative, we're going to save the world, etc, etc. Young people are doing amazing things. Of course I am inspired by Greta Thunberg and the Parkland teens. But I find that the average member of Gen Z is self-righteous but unwilling to make the personal sacrifices needed of them. I think that's really sad and disturbing, and I'm scared. I'm no better! I'm terrified that the future rests in my hands. I'm in between being manically positive and being nihilistic.
But we could surprise me. In the words of Shakespeare "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them." My greatest hope is that my generation will have greatness thrust upon them, that when push comes to shove, we will let go of pretension and superiority and do what's right. But when I look at photos of teens on beaches, celebrating spring break in the midst of a pandemic, I can't help but think we are failing the test. Still, I can't imagine any of my friends sitting idle and watching the world burn (unless, like right now, that's the right thing to do). But maybe they are the exception and not the example. I don't think I would just watch as everything when down in flames, but you don't really know how you'll react until you face it right?
I've read a lot of articles that say this virus is here to stay. I know that the racism it exacerbated is here to stay, the late-stage-capitalism-hostility to one's fellow man too. And I'm worried all these feelings of anxiety, anger, and hurt that I have, that many have, are here to stay too. But maybe we won't linger in this in between forever, unsure of what to do with all these emotions, unsure of how to fix something that's been broken for so long. Maybe we will grow up. Maybe we will transform this pain into real change, into a better life. I really hope we can.
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